The Waiting Rut

Sometimes it is easy for me to get caught in a “waiting rut".  Waiting for a semester of school to end, waiting to graduate with my bachelors (then my masters) degrees, waiting for Nick to move to Grenada, waiting for our 5 months long distance to be over, waiting to move to Grenada, waiting for clinicals to start, waiting for residency to start (and end), waiting to set up roots, waiting to get married, waiting to start a family… you get the picture. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Essentially, I can always be waiting for someone or for something in the future to happen.

When I get into one of these "waiting ruts", and let these thoughts start to roll they can easily take over my brain, consuming every thought, until I temporarily forget to simply be thankful for what I am doing now and forget the importance of simply focusing on the moment(s) at hand. When I forget to live for the moment and to appreciate the here and now, I get overwhelmed. I compare myself to other people and all I see is so-and-so getting a full time job, so-and-so getting married, so-and-so buying a house, so-and-so having baby number 3… and with that as my focus- my own life seems to be at a stand still.  Those things are what I had envisioned for my own life at 23, almost 24 years old. Those are the things have always seemed to me to be the natural timeline of how things "should" go. 

Luckily, these moments usually pass quickly as I snap myself back to reality and pivot my thoughts from Dwelling Debbie and Negative Nancy to Positive Pollyanna. Pollyanna provides me with perspective. Pollyanna reminds me to be thankful and to appreciate the opportunities I have been given and for the many blessings in my life. I am reminded that the things I am a part of today, and my life in Grenada were never a part of my “life plan” because I never knew an opportunity like this could be a possibility for me. I am reminded that a “life plan” in itself, is not set in stone or something we can predict- and that that is what makes life such a wonderful adventure. 

In movies life is always a relatively predictable timetable of events that lead to a quick and utterly romantic happily ever after or accomplished goal. But really, how realistic is that? And when it comes down to it, is that even something we would really want? Our lives are compiled by moments. Good moments, bad moments, hard moments, frustrating moments, laughing moments, sad moments, and each of these moments makes us who we are. These moments are the snapshots of our lives and whether it’s the good, bad, or the ugly, these are the stories we have, share, and hold on to. These are the moments that come together to create our lives, and instead of one big A-HA moment like in the movies, we get a lifetime of these special moments over and over and over again. 

(Ah, how many more times can I say the word “moments” in this? I think you get the point.)

The truth is, that although I may be waiting for some things to happen, when I take a step back I am reminded that I am living my "fairytale" lifestyle and I am doing exactly what I went to school for and have a passion for. I am a 23 year old who has been given the unique opportunity to work with children in a foreign country for 2 years. I might not be paid in dollars, but I get paid in unconditional love in the form of hugs, kisses, and silliness. I get to experience life as a minority figure- which coming from someone who has always been of the majority, it is a once in a life-time and very rewarding and life enhancing experience.  I’ve never been on a bus or in a store and been the only white girl before or knew what it felt like to be uncomfortable simply because I am white or a woman (and, there isn't always a reason to feel out of place, and many Grenadians are so welcoming and kind, but it is just a part of being a visitor to the island, and noticeably different with my light skin and blonde hair.) Additionally, how many Michiganders can say they've had a backyard that opens up onto the ocean?! We have learned what it truly means to live simply. We don’t need a lot of materialistic things- we don’t need a car, we don’t need lots of clothes or shoes, we don't need a lot of money. Those are all things we had at home in the states, and all things we very much enjoy, but not having them has in no way decreased my happiness. Rather, I’d argue not having them has simply increased my appreciation for American luxuries and for growing up in a family that was always able to provide for my all of my basic needs and beyond. The life lessons and experiences I have gained already while living in Grenada are plentiful and have undoubtedly made me a much more well-rounded and better person.  

So while I might not want to be patient all the time, and I might not like waiting for things I am looking forward to- it is important to continue to look at the big picture, take in each and every moment, and remember that sometimes the best option is to slow down and smell the roses.  There will of course be times when inside I am burning with impatience, and at times, I admit, patience is not at the top of my list of personal qualities, however I know the things I am so anxious for will happen… and for now are something to look forward to. It is important not to let waiting for those things get in the way of enjoying and cherishing the here and now. Once a moment passes, there is no going back. Our lives don’t have a rewind button- just as they don’t have a fast forward button either.  So here’s to now, and all the many blessings and wonderful adventures, laughs, challenges, and people who all come together to create this awesome phase of my life.